“Eat What You Like, Die When You Should”

After I turned 50 my family, along with everyone else in my life, were constantly recommending that I should start eating healthier. While I was appreciative of their concern for me, I would always reply “Eat what you like, die when you should”. I saw the  suggestion of watching what I eat as a restriction on what I can or cannot do. Did I ever mention I’m stubborn and hard headed? My oldest brother lives in the State of New Hampshire. Their license plates has the motto ‘Live Free or Die” printed on them. I have thought of moving out there just to get that license plate but it is too cold in the winter and the locals are always staring at you with that look on their face as if they can’t decide if they want to shoot you or buy you a beer.  A little too much living free and not enough dying going on in my opinion.

Now that I have reached the ripe old age of 62,  I look back on my youth (anything under 61) as foolishness and folly. Oh, I have no regrets. I had a great time associating with such riff raff as McDonald’s, Burger King, Dairy Queen (I secretly suspect shenanigans were going on between those last two), Carl’s Junior and the like. Not to mention a close relationship with all the micro breweries and hot wing establishments in Northern California.

Did you ever stop to look at yourself naked in the mirror? Oh, I’m not talking about when you were in your teens to thirties, I’m talking about when you have aged past those glory days. When you were young it was an amazing experience. You would pose proudly, guys strutting around, girls sashaying around (or whatever it is the female specie does), people who were not sure of what they were just sort of staring off into the image and using their imagination. Everything was proudly in it’s place and displaying itself in a firm and gravity proof manner.

Now, as that time has long past, it is a scary sight. Especially for me as I had apparently become “hefty”, “chunky”,” large boned”, and somewhat huge. I thought the dogs followed me around all the time outside because they loved me but now I realize they were just trying to stay in the shade. I was developing a plural chin. My pecs would fit into a “B” cup. I had forgotten what anything south of the belly button looked like. My cute “love handles” had become flaps. People in Mexico would call me “Gordo” while I always replied ” no, my name is Derek”.

About two months ago my beautiful bride, Angie, announced we were going on a diet. As this was shortly after my encounter with the naked fat man in my mirror, I agreed. Some of Angie’s friends had been raving about a diet plan called “The Macronazi” they had found on the internet. At first I thought it was a web site about minute Nazis goose stepping their way to health. It turned out to be this nice lady named Melody that taught you how to eat properly. The “Nazi” part of the website name is indicative of how disciplined the diet plan is but I secretly suspect that Melody might have worn black in a previous life. Allow me to explain that last part.

I had been texting Melody after several weeks of the diet and she stated that we get a “cheat” meal because of the progress we made. I told her I was going to have a burger and a beer. She texted back saying the burger was fine and to add fries but the beer was off the menu. I replied that I would not eat the fries and would send her $2 if I could have the beer. She replied that she didn’t need the money and I didn’t need the carbs from the beer. She then reminded me that she was the MacroNazi and that she ate puppies for breakfast. I resisted asking her if they were low fat puppies.

We are now 8 weeks into the diet and I must admit, it’s not bad. I thought diets were evil things that made sane people do insane things. This diet lets you eat a lot of food. It is just good food. No processed stuff, very little sugar, lots of protein like steak, fish and chicken. Angie, being the master wizard in the kitchen, has developed some marvelous meals that are delicious. As a result, Angie is down 20 pounds and I am down 17 pounds! 37 pounds total so far. That is a small child, a very large turkey, medium sized dog, an Ewok or a Mini Me! Our queen sized bed is now roomy. We can pass each other in the hallway without having to suck in. I went down to an “A” cup.

I am now a devout believer in eating healthy. My children are amazed and wonder what ever happened to their hard headed, stubborn father while at the same time they are a little disappointed that there will be a delay in the distribution of the life insurance money they were counting on.

I still say, “Eat what you like and die when you should” but now I like healthy, clean food and that dying part will be a little delayed. I still wonder, though, what low fat puppies over quinoa with Thai peanut sauce would taste like?

Please note: No puppies were harmed in the making of this blog.