There was one dog that lived with us much longer than most.
Her name was Sassy. Sassy was with us for over 15 years.
She was a dachshund/Chihuahua mix with an obsession with food. It was amazing how much food this little beast could put away. It was as if it was her last meal and yet she still stayed relatively skinny. I assumed that she was actually a tapeworm in doggy clothing. If anyone had any type of food you could count on Sassy being right next to them with her bugged out eyes staring intently and shaking her whole body in anticipation.
One time she was next to me during dinner and I held up my paper napkin and asked her if she would like a taste. Of course, she stood on her hind legs to signal her approval of the offering so I dropped the napkin and she had it two thirds of the way down her throat before she realized it was not what she expected. Pandemonium again ruled as king in our home as I now had to perform a doggy type Heimlich maneuver on the wide eyed little glutton to dislodge the napkin.
Besides her food obsession Sassy was actually a very good little house dog. As with all small dogs, she maintained her position of top dog among the cavalcade of beasts that paraded through our lives. On one occasion I was out in the driveway when a large Doberman pincher approached me. Before I could even react a miniature black and tan blur raced by me and, with the ferocity of an enraged she-devil, chased the intruder away. It was almost comical to see this large, well muscled beast running for its life from this bug eyed holy terror that appeared to be intent on making it its next meal.
Sassy was also the self appointed nurse of the family. She had this incredible ability to sense when a family member was getting ill. She would not leave the side of anyone that was sick but would stay there right next to them until a full recovery was made. She was also very protective of her patients. We have a picture of her lying on the back of our daughter, Ashley, as said daughter was face down in the bathroom worshipping the porcelain gods Ralph and Roy during a very intense bout with the stomach flu. Sassy has her fangs barred and fire was shooting from her eyes as she perceived an ominous threat from the digital recording of her mistress’ distress.
(side note) This should help you to understand what spectacular parental role models Angie and I were. Normal parents would be comforting their sick child through her misery. Not us, we don’t waste our time “molly codling” our children. The stomach flu combined with the back door trots needs to be documented! (returning to the story)
For such a fearless protector of the family it was odd that Sassy seemed to always be thinking that her little life was about to be snuffed out. Besides always begging for food she was also always cowering down in fear and submission, often with a trail of yellow liquid behind her as a peace offering. I often told Ashley that when Sassy died I would have her stuffed in her normal crouched over position with one of her rear legs slightly raised and a small yellow puddle under her quivering backside.
This animal definitely had some serious mental issues and surely would make a perfect poster dog for doggy Prozac.
We could always tell when Sassy would find some unattended people food and dispose of it in her typical starving wolf fashion. Her little body would inflate to almost twice her normal size leaving her almost high centered on her belly with her little legs barely making contact with the ground. When this happened, we would simply put her outside in case of explosion and wait and see if she deflated back to normal size, which was usually the case in about 24 hours.
Sassy’s greed for food ultimately led to her unfortunate demise. We had a gathering at our home and some of the kids left several servings of McDonald’s French fries out on the deck. These were of course irresistible to our little four-legged garbage disposal and were promptly devoured with gusto. Little did we realize that Ronald McDonald was actually the doggy grim reaper in disguise. The rapid intake of this toxic meal was too much for the now 15-year-old dog and she once again inflated to football size for the last time and went to the little doggy vomitorium in the sky.
The usual solemn funeral service was conducted and another future discovery for the archeological team was placed into our underground animal kingdom.