I had just come in from the backyard when my wife, Angie, called me into the main bathroom.
“You’re not going to believe this” she said.
As I entered the bathroom the first thing I noticed was a strong odor of “poo”. After my initial sense of smell recovered from the stench I realized it, the “poo”, was everywhere. It was on the walls, floors, sink, toilet and shower curtain. The only place that was “poo” free was the ceiling, which immediately eliminated anyone over 8’ tall.
We summoned the group of maniacs that we called our children and inquired of their knowledge of this new and novel decorating achievement for our home.
The oldest, Marisa, thought it was gross, the #2 child, Ben, was smiling greatly from which I could conclude that he was happily innocent yet slightly thrilled with the accomplishment. The #3 child, Ashley, was stoic and yet not wiggly enough to implicate herself. That left #4, Tristan, our 5 year old.
He stood there, that is if you can call a controlled twitching standing there, pleading innocence with his llama like eyes. The odor coming from him was screaming that he was the culprit. It appears that he managed to mostly clean himself off although there were a few tell tale spots on his arms and forehead (forehead?!?) We dismissed the rest of the rabble and zeroed in on “Mr. Stinky”.
“What happened Tris?” I asked.
He started stammering something about Buddy, our Pekinese and a fly. After we cleaned off his forehead (I just couldn’t look at that anymore) we asked him to start from the beginning.
“First, what happened?”
“Well”, he said “I had an accident in my pants.”
This was not uncommon as this child had an obsession with the television and/or video games. He would happily sit in his own waste during these activities if he could figure how to get rid of the telltale smell.
“Ok”, I said “that happens son, but how did it get all over the bathroom?”
“The fly did it” he replied a matter of fact way.
“The fly?” both of his slightly overwhelmed parents responded.
“Yep, the fly did it.” he said.
He proceeded to relate a story that only made sense to him in his own little 5 year old world.
It seems that after the “accident”, which was a result of eating about two pounds of dried apricots earlier in the day, he went to the bathroom to try to clean up, or at least relieve some of the weight from the back of his semi liquid filled pants so that he could get back to his show.
Of course, if you’re a 5 year old you just have to take Buddy the dog in with you. No sense hogging all the fun to yourself. Buddy was more than willing to go with him as he had a great appreciation of the more fragrant things in life.
Apparently the boy does not chew as well as he should as some of the contents of his soiled britches were very attractive to Buddy who immediately placed his head all the way into the loaded britches to better appreciate the wonderful odor and to perhaps find a succulent under digested piece.
Doing this, Buddy effectively made his bristled face a proper paint brush. Of course Tristan pushed Buddy away but this made the dog even more determined as he was now sure that Tristan was trying to deprive him of something tasty.
Enter the fly.
The fly was attracted also by the aroma of my son’s posterior and decided to buzz Buddy’s head to try and clear some space.
Buddy, as all dogs, considered the fly a challenge to his doggy man hood and proceeded to pursue him all over the bathroom while occasional re-dipping his head into the “poopy” pants for a quick reload. By the time it was over, our bathroom had a new and unique décor that took his mother several hours to remove.
I would have helped but it took me that long to get my breath back from a very painful laughing attack. Who needs entertainment when you have children?
Therapy, maybe, entertainment, no.