“The trash is full” Angie regularly announces to me.
I have learned that this is not just a situational update so that I use caution when opening the trash can. This is actually a request for me to empty the trash.
Males are way simpler than most females think. We respond to direct requests. When we hear what appears to us as a general observation we will think you are just giving us an update on something that we will need to deal with sometime much later in the future.
As a public service to all the males reading this blog I would like to offer a simple translation of the most common “requests” we receive from the females we associate with:
“I’m cold”, this is NOT a request for us to cuddle up. She simply wants the thermostat turned up. As an exercise in male logic, after you turn up the thermostat, ask yourself if YOU were cold…… It is then that you will realize we are being trained. The females are planning on taking over the world. This, we realize, will never work as they would never be able to fully agree on how they “feel” about taking over the world.
“I’m hot”, this is NOT a answer to our dreams so please do not answer with a resounding “Don’t I know it!”. You will receive the “look” if you do. You know that “look”, they roll their eyes, shake their heads and comment on how all males have their minds in the gutter. Which is mostly true.
“The dog stinks!” means “Wash the dog”
“The kids are missing” is not to be greeted with a high five. She wants you to find them.
“I have an idea!” is a dangerous one. Resist the temptation to look surprised. Just be resolved to devote the next hour to listening to a plan that is, in her mind, a fantastic idea that she saw on “Oprah” or the “View” that is in reality totally unreachable, impossible, against the laws of nature or would require you to sell a kidney. Simply hear her out, nod your head and smile and tell her that it is a great idea and you need to think about it for a while. Most likely she will change her mind, forget about it or talk it over with her girlfriends who will tell her that it is a terrible idea. She will then be mad at you for thinking about this terrible idea in the first place.
“I’m fat”. When you hear this one you will need to heed the following directions exactly. Your life depends on it. DO NOT make eye contact! As carefully as you can, turn around and leave the room while pretending you are stone cold deaf. If she follows you out and repeats the statement you are pretty much doomed so just look at her with a small smile and say “Who told you that? Your perfect to me.” She will most likely say “I did!”. Gently remind her that she is crazy and then ask her ” Why are you listening to a crazy person?” These will be the last words you remember.
“I can’t find my keys”. DO NOT ask her where she last saw them. This will only result in another one of the “Looks”. This one is the wide eyed look we get when we have asked a logical question. She does not want logic. She wants her keys and she is now thinking that you are somehow responsible for them being missing. DO NOT look in her purse. You do not want to know what is in there. Simply start looking in the last place YOU would leave them and you’ll find them. With Angie, it is usually in the car or house door or the infamous ever expanding “black hole”of our home known as the “crack” in the couch. One year I found one of our children we forgot we had.
“I’m tired”, this is the least favorite utterance that we males hear. It usually is stated after we have made a hopeful request to “fool around”. Females again do not understand the male specie, so ladies, let me educate you. The way to tell if your husband would like to “fool around” is simple. If he is breathing he wants to fool around.
Tonight I heard “We are out of coffee beans”. As I am fluent in the world of “generic statements are requests” I offered to go to the store for her. I asked “Is there anything else you need?” The reply was “I’m making mashed potatoes”…..Thinking I am the master of understanding my wife I asked if she wanted me to get some potatoes. She got mad at me and said “No, I’m just telling you I’m making mashed potatoes!” Apparently that statement WAS a generic statement with no request attached. I was still confused and replied “So… if you didn’t want potatoes why did you tell me you were making them?” The “Look” I received was the famous “I married an idiot”. Again, gentlemen. DO NOT assume she is logical. If she was it wouldn’t as much fun.
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