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Proceed at Your Own Risk!

When I started this adventure in writing/blogging it was 2010. At that time I was 54 years old, still had some kids at home, ran a HVAC business and was married for 32 years to my beautiful bride and thought I understood the meaning of “the good life”.

Fourteen years later and I found out I didn’t have a clue!

Presently, I am semi retired and still having to work part time because the social security checks don’t cut it and my brilliant retirement plans turned out to be not so brilliant. I am also enjoying the deterioration of my former fit and able body to one that is, shall we say, less so.

It’s amazing the noises your body makes as it ages. I am now thoroughly convinced that this is due to the weakening of the sphincters in our bodies. According to verywellhealth.com “There are over 50 distinct types of sphincters in the human body, some of which function involuntarily, some respond to stimuli, and others are controlled voluntarily. Some sphincters are as large as a walnut, while others are microscopic.”

Apparently, the walnut sphincters age poorly and turn from being voluntary to spastic. For instance, that quiet burp you used to have is now an announcement to the entire room that you enjoyed your meal and sometimes it shares the delightful semi digested odor of said meal with them.

Another of these walnuts takes that tiny little “SBD”(silent but deadly) we all secretly enjoy to spring on our family and friends into a rather ill timed and very fragrant expression of our inner self. Not to mention the possible urgent need to excuse oneself for a change of clothing.

Now, apply these well aged walnuts to that perfect marriage mate you always thought you had, and the results can be amazing and quite disturbing, all at the same time. Now, we only go to bed to sleep or watch TV. Any other activity will be quickly shut down due to our walnuts. I have discovered that burping during a kiss is unacceptable. Cuddling is now done from a distance and spooning is totally out of the picture. Getting into the bed is now a unwanted bugle performance, as is getting out of bed. That cute little “Dutch Oven” trick you used to play on your mate in the early years of marriage, now makes being under the covers at any time during the night hazardous, not to mention deadly to the pets we invite into bed with us now. If you can make your dog that smells like a stale bowl of popcorn marinated with body odor make a mad dash out from under the covers, you have progressed to the “well aged” level of the walnut. Remember what aging does for cheese. I did not know that odor from a leaky walnut can awaken your wife from a sound sleep. Recently, I thought I heard our cat meow from the bathroom so I meowed back at it. Angie started laughing and informed me that she was the only one in the bathroom. I married a truly talented woman.

Attending public gatherings now change. Remember when you would spot an old friend from long ago approaching you and you smiled and looked forward to the reunion? Now your just hoping they didn’t recognize you and walk into your special aura that just slipped out. Now you seek out a group of older people that you would have never wanted to be around just because they are mostly hard of hearing and won’t look at you weird when your walnut cracks open. When doing public speaking you never allow a long pause for fear of the emphasis your walnut might give to the next statement.

Confined spaces should be avoided at all costs. The slightest readjustment of your sitting position could result in you being stranded out in the middle of nowhere during a Uber ride. If you are of the Catholic persuasion, you can be banned from the confessional. Elevator rides could result in you being charged with terroristic behavior for releasing a weapon of mass destruction in public. Coffins should be OK unless it’s an open casket.

I am thinking of writing a book about the proper exercise and care for your old walnuts to help delay the inevitable. I am hesitant, you see, as I like to include drawings and pictures to make the information come to life. On the positive side, if I get a bad review from a critic with the headline “It Stinks”, I can always pay a visit to him in his little tiny office to air my grievances.

The only benefit of the breakdown of the walnut is if you are traveling on a cold day in the car with friends and family AND you are the driver who has control over the electric window locks.

I have discovered that sneezing, coughing and picking up heavy objects are to be avoided at all costs, not only because of your defective walnut but there also exists a not so walnut sized device approximately the size of a peanut. This thing is also closely linked to your eyesight. If you head into the bathroom, just the sight of the commode starts a ten second timer that will open the peanut valve no matter how much you wiggle, grab, or dance. That is why I always recommend everybody over sixty years old wear dark pants only. I was once on a large commercial jobsite in upstate New York during the winter. It was so cold that we had to wear multiple layers of clothing to stay warm. As we were getting off shift, I made a stop at the bathrooms. This one was a small bathroom with two stalls and three wall hanging “Wizzers”. As male protocol demands, you always leave an empty wizzer between yourself and any other wizzees. When there are only three along side each other, then taking the middle one is required just to make any other wizzees irritated. As I stood at the middle device my peanut started the ten second timer because I made the mistake of looking at it. I frantically start digging through the multiple layers of long underwear and pants I had on for warmth. I was experiencing some difficulty as the openings in the front of these things all had different locking mechanisms such as zippers, buttons, flaps that go left, flaps that go right, all the while I am thinking to myself “Is it left, left, right, zip?” “Five second warning!” “or right left zip button?” “Three second warning!” “All right, where are you hiding at? I know you’re in there! Aha! Found you! Victory is mine!” As I inwardly rejoiced at successfully beating that irritable peanut timer, thus assuring a dry trip to the hotel, I noticed that there were two guys using the remaining whizzers. One on each side of me. They we’re laughing and shaking up and down. That is when I realized that another malady of getting older is that you unfortunately say out loud what your are thinking in your head.

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