The History of Toilet Paper

Just at the start of this Covid 19 pandemic the first thing to disappear off the store shelves was toilet paper. No one can really put their finger (excuse the pun) on the cause but now toilet paper is very hard to find.

As a public service, I thought I would help everyone out by explaining the always messy but some times humorous history of toilet paper through the ages.

The Stone Age

Archeologists have discovered strange cylindrical rocks with rough edges collected together in small pits. Carbon dating estimates their age at 15 million years old. A closer inspection found fossilized fecal matter stuck to some of these rocks leading them to believe that this was stone age toilet paper. That would explain why we don’t find many skeletal remains of cave men and women. The painful use of these ancient devices must have led them to seek softer alternatives such as a tyrannosaurus tail. Unfortunately these tails were still attached and the owners of said tails were highly displeased with cave people stinking up their tails.

Ancient Civilizations

The Egyptian civilization gives us a hint in the form of certain hieroglyphic writings concerning the practices of their ancient priests. In every temple, their was a room with a cylindrical pit where the priests would deposit holy offerings to the God “Pu” and then cover the offering with sacred parchment dedicated to the God “Shar-Man”. This might explain why the priests were required to shave all the hair off their bodies so as to not inhibit the flow of the sacred offerings. This also explains why it was forbidden to squeeze the holy parchments.

Chinese Dynasties

The first documented use of toilet paper dates back to the 6th century A.D.. The scholar Yan Zhitui wrote: “Paper on which there are quotations from the Five Classic or the Sages, I dare not use for toilet purposes.” I guess other writer’s works were OK and were referred to as “Craa-Pee”. Apparently writing critics haven’t changed much through the ages. In the 14th century, it was recorded that in the Zheliange province there was a stockpile of 10 million packages of paper for toilet use. I think this is what inspired our modern-day poopy pack rats.

Ancient Rome

A sponge on a stick was used, and, after use, placed back into a pail of vinegar. Resulting in the common phrase when something goes terribly wrong, “You’re in quite a pickle”. The famous quotation of Caesar to Marc Anthony actually was “Eh Pu Brutis?”

Ancient Judea

The classic book “Biblical and Talmudic Medicine” by the German physician Julius Preuss reveals that the ancient Jewish practice was to use small pebbles, often carried in special pouches called “Ba’al bags” along with dry grass or smooth edges of broken pottery. Thus the origin of the phrase “Oi!”

Early European Cultures

Wealthy individuals would wipe themselves with wool, lace, or hemp. That last item explains why burning hemp smells the way it does. Less wealthy people would use their hand when defecating into rivers. Now we know why the government is advising us not to shake hands. In that era, other items were used to cleanse oneself. Rags, wood shavings (no wonder they never smile in artist depictions of that era), leaves, grass, hay, stones (a prehistoric holdover), sand, moss, water, snow (cold and yet refreshing), ferns, plant husks, fruit skins (they must have loved Columbus bringing back bananas), seashells ( Remind me to never go shell collecting in Europe) or corncobs.

The French satirical writer, Francois Rabelais, in chapter 13 of his novel “Gargantua and Pantagruel” dismissed the use of toilet paper with the rhyme “Who fouls his tail with paper wipes, Shall at his bottom leave some snipes.” He suggested the use of a “well-downed neck of a goose”. That explains why geese hate humans.

Now, don’t you feel better? Our ancestors had the issue well in hand………….. If you still can’t find toilet paper please rest assured that any of our local farmers would be happy to sell you a goose.

References: Wikipedia. (Just like Google – It’s all true.)