Marriage, A Fine Institution. That Is, If You Like Institutions

A young friend of ours recently got married. He and his fiancé were both young and beautiful and they enjoyed a picture-perfect engagement and wedding. They are now enjoying their honeymoon in Maui.

This started me thinking about marriage and all that it involves. Marriage is a wonderful institution, that is, if you like institutions. Angie and I have happily been inmates of that institution for over 42 years.

For some, that works out perfectly but I have other friends and family that have had trials in this area. One of them had been married so many times that after another one “bit the dust” I went up and said “You know what? I think it’s you.”

Let’s go over the differences between Marriage and Singleness.

Singleness = freedom. You can do what like, when you like, for as long as you like, with whomever you like, while you eat whatever you like. You never experience the standard “you’re not like my mother/father” discussion that some married people do. Now if your single and you are arguing with yourself about that, you need to see the doctor.

When you are single you can make spur of the moment, stupid last-minute purchases and never end up sleeping on the couch. You may not sleep too well once the “Oh my God, what did I just do?” realization hits, but at least your not on the couch.

When you are single you don’t have to pick a fight so you can sleep alone – again, on the couch.

Marriage = Companionship.

If your single and want to get married only for companionship I recommend that you get a dog. It’s a lot easier than a marriage mate.

First off, dogs don’t care if you hang out with other dogs.

Secondly, dogs don’t care if you are late. You can stay out all night and they are still excited to see you.

Third, dogs don’t care what you are watching on TV.

Fourth, dogs also don’t care what you eat, as long as you give them some of it. Your marriage mate on the other hand would not be impressed if you took a bite out of something then spit some of it out to give it to them.

Admittedly, marriage mates don’t normally poop on the carpet. If they do, please don’t rub their noses in it and throw them outside. You’ll get arrested.

The whole ritual of courtship and marriage just sets you up for disaster. Think about it. First there is the whole dating thing. Both of you are dressed up beautifully. Your hair, teeth and breath are stunning. You both are on your best behavior. You are always doing special things for each other like small gifts and special looks. When you are married those “special looks” still exist but they are totally different.

Then there is the engagement. Now there is a name change, you are now officially “fiances”. You start getting presents from strangers. Everyone is giving you recognition and praise. You get to register at any high-end stores of your liking so that people you don’t know can buy you stuff you picked out. You also get to throw an “engagement party”. Try throwing a “dating party” and see who shows up. Probably no one, even your date.

Now we get to the big day, the wedding. You both get to wear very expensive, special clothes that you will likely never wear again. For weeks the future bride has been agonizing over the proper color of the flowers, the arrangement of said flowers or if weird Uncle Al is going to be allowed to sit in the family seats. She also worries about who should walk with whom down the isle, if the best man will be sober for once, if her future husband remembers to come and so forth. The future groom, however, is just confused as to why all the commotion over this thing. This is a clue to all you future husbands. You are going to be wondering about the thought possesses of not only your bride but the rest of womankind for the rest of your life.

Now we go to the reception. This is a REALLY BIG party. It is at a special venue, it is catered, you are waited on hand, foot, finger. You get to eat before anyone else does and even your table is front center. You get to have everyone gather to watch you awkwardly “dance together”. You receive presents that you don’t need but you can return. There is a basket with envelopes full of money for you. It’s amazing!

Then we head off to the honeymoon that usually consists of two weeks in an exotic location. While there, you get waited on hand, foot and finger. You are treated like royalty. You get to sleep in all you want. You go on exciting adventures together. It is the completion to that “fairy tale” event that is called “getting married”.

Then you come home and reality hits. This is when you start to notice things are a little different. This usually happens the first time you wake up together after your return. You look over at your personal “Westly / Buttercup” and realize they have miraculously changed. Your first clue is the hair. Previously it was perfectly quaffed but now it resembles a style reserved for the homeless. Then there is the “morning breath”. You go in for your normal good morning kiss and it smells like your mate has consumed a very old piece of herring during the night.

Now you both get up at the crack of dawn because you have to go to work. The dishes are dirty and piled up in the sink. The laundry is stacking up and the mailbox is full of bills. Your mate is now scratching places that shouldn’t be scratched and making new and very disturbing noises. The bathroom door that was formerly discreetly shut is now wide open. You walk by and see the love of your life sitting on the can and looking at you with an expression of deep effort and concentration. Yes, welcome to the real life.

Please do not assume that I personally view marriage as a bad thing. I think it is a wonderful institution for people who are ready for it. It is quite a challenge, but if done right, it is a beautiful way to spend your life. To top it all off, at least your mate doesn’t have fleas and sheds all over the place. Marriage may take a lot of effort and compromise but in my humble opinion, it is worth every second.