Ok, let’s get this right out in the open. I am a “traditionalists ” (aka “male chauvinist pig”). I am from a different era. My parents were the old fashioned type. Mom stayed home and raised the kids while dad went to work as the breadwinner. The same was with my family. So when I would see a female newscaster, policewomen, doctor, soldier, firefighter and any other “traditional” male occupation I would get a little irritated.
Now before we start getting the mob together, burn my picture in effigy, get your hissy in a fit and your undies in a bunch, cool your jets. I am doing a “mea culpa” here. That means I am admitting I was not as opened minded as one needs to be in this ever changing world. Now we live in an era where both parents have to work, women are showing that they are fully capable of former “manly tasks”. With this in mind, I decided to examine the things women have to go through that us men do not. Below is a short selection from a very long list.
1.) Pregnancy and child birth.
Let’s face it guys, what women go through during pregnancy is fear inspiring. Imagine having something growing inside of you that you are not going to be getting rid of in the next 8 – 10 hours. Granted, some of us have a beer belly but this one moves. It also pushes down on your bladder, kicks you in the bladder, makes you walk like a duck and eventually exits through your nether regions. I have seen all 4 of my children born. It’s horrifying! There is this pushing out of the nether region that resembles a slow motion video of Mt. Saint Helens exploding. Then this large slimy thing slowly emerges, all the while your wife is making noises that you have only heard in horror films. (A note of caution here. If you are standing within arms reach during this stage of the game she will reach out and hurt you as you are the one responsible for this.) After the head comes out, the rest follows rather quickly and now you are confronted with this weird looking blueish slimy thing with this cord attached that is still going into the area from whence it came. This is when it gets really barbaric. The doctor holds up this cord thing and asks you if you want to cut it! After that they take the slimy thing away to trade it in for something that resembles a baby. The doctor now proceeds to pull on the remains of the cord like a fisherman pulling in his net. The thing that next comes out resembles a slimy bag of raw meatloaf.
2.) Menstruation (aka Auntie Flow, Aunt Erma, that “time of the month” and “#@^\:%&!!”
Guys, imagine you start suddenly bleeding out of your man parts and it doesn’t stop for five days. You would call 911 and put a tourniquet on to it to try to staunch the flow while running around screaming hysterically. Then you would pass out. I fondly remember when my 11 or 12 year old daughter, Ashley, called out to me from the bathroom near my office with a shaky voice “Dad, get mom”. I went up to the door and asked if there was anything I could help her with and her now insistent reply was “No! Get mom!” I then asked ” Is my little girl turning into a woman?” “GET MOM!!!!”
3.) The lady doctor visit. (aka “Knees up mother Brown”, “going to see a doctor about a kitten” and the “viewing”)
Here some guys may point out the we also have to be humiliated by a doctor occasionally putting their finger in our butt, but you aren’t flat on your back, in stirrups, with a spotlight AND an audience, while the doctor approaches you with an ice cold replica of a mid evil duck helmet. I have a recommendation for the ladies here. You might as well have fun and throw some glitter up in there so the doctor gets a light show. Maybe put a little slip of paper in there like a fortune cookie with lotto numbers on one side and a cute little message on the other side like “you have a future in spelunking “.
4.) Mammograms
No man in his right mind would ever allow a tender part of your private area squished flat between two x-ray plates while the nurse chats with you about the weather.
5.) Public rest rooms.
Women have to wait in long lines while men just saunter up to the “trough” and join in on the “try to push the dead fly down to the drain with our personal fire hose” game. Yes ladies, we are very easily entertained.
6.) High Heels
My daughters have these 5″ stilettos that could also be used as a murder weapon. Could any of you guys imagine trying to go hunting or fishing with those things on? First off, we would be laughed out of the truck. Then you would slowly fall backwards the moment you reached soft ground. On the bright side, if your a fat guy with stilettos you could strike oil.
7.) Grooming
Normal men take less that 3 minutes in this area. Either comb your hair, or more likely, just put on a ball cap, brush your tooth and put on another layer of deodorant. Women spend hours in this department. They have all the other “grooming” that involves combing, teasing, curling, waxing, plucking, scrubbing, exfoliating, trimming, filing and a vast amount of additional torturous procedures. Sane guys would never put hot wax on any part of their body and let it cool so that they can rip the hair off. Now imagine doing this to your man place. Even the Nazis wouldn’t do that when torturing a confession out of a prisoner. I have heard of a guy who once got his “boys” stuck to the inner part of his thighs while attempting this feat. His wife was laughing so hard she couldn’t be trusted to help him cut them free. Serves him right.
I would recommend we keep our women close to us for safety especially when walking through bear country. If a bear attacks she could pour hot wax on it’s rear and rip the hair off, while the shocked animal screams in pain she could throw it on it’s back, tie it’s feet into stirrups, stick a duck helmet in the first available opening while stabbing it repeatedly with her 5″ stilettos.
So, in conclusion, I would like to assure the women in my world that I respect, admire and secretly fear you.
Nailed it!! Loved every word.