The world has definitely changed since I dated/courted Angie (June 13, 1975 to April 2, 1977). Back then, we didn’t have all the technical distractions that exist today. We actually talked. Our conversations were private and not read by our friends or even people we don’t know. Our reason for dating was not just for a “good time” or to look cool. We actually learned about each other, our thoughts, hopes, dreams and fears. Sex was something reserved for marriage and we were careful to follow the guidelines we were raised with.
Some may look at our stand as “old fashioned” or too “strict”. In today’s social climate it is rare to have two virgins marry. We didn’t mind, actually learning to properly love each other was quite the adventure. Especially with Angie’s personality in mind.
Early in our marriage Angie decided to “spice things up” by buying a “sexy nightie”. We lived in Idaho at the time and the small town of Twin Falls did not have nor let alone know of places like Victoria’s Secret (BTW – I’ve seen their catalogs and Victoria doesn’t have any secrets left). So Angie went to the local Kmart for her purchase. She took her best friend, Julie, with her and giggled and laughed together while looking through the vast amount of “sexy nighties” available. (I imagine she had at least 3 or 4 choices.)
That night Angie told me she had a special surprise for me at bedtime. I let my imagination run amuck while she changed into her “outfit”. When she walked into the bedroom my response was not what she expected. Please allow me to describe her outfit. It was a red see through short nightie with large amounts of red feathers covering the appropriate areas. I started laughing hysterically while she dropped down to all fours and crawled out of the bedroom.
Angie now tells that story to all her friends. You see, she wasn’t terribly mad at me even though I felt real bad when I got my breath back from laughing. We both smiled and chalked it up to our youthful innocence. That’s why, 41 years later, we are still laughing at our selves. It keeps the marriage strong.
When our daughters came of the age to date we instilled the same standards that we had. Dating was for marriage, not for entertainment. Our oldest daughter learned at the age of 16 that sneaking around behind her parent’s back was not a good idea. Angie had gone into her room because Marisa had not put her washed clothes away as requested. While Angie was doing that, she discovered a packet of “love letters” and a small stuffed animal from a local boy named Joey.
When Marisa got home from school she was sent straight to her room to await the arrival of the father person, aka The Executioner.
When I arrived at home I was presented with the evidence. After carefully reading all of the letters I went into Marisa’s room to find her in the fetal position on the bed in a flood of tears. I comforted my distraught daughter and asked her if she really loved him. She responded:
“I think so”
I asked:”Do you think both of you are ready for marriage?”
“No” she replied through her tears.
I reasoned with her and after discussing the facts she agreed it was not the right time to start dating. I thanked her for her reasonableness and asked her one final question:
What is Joey’s phone number?”
Later that night I had an intense conversation with Joey with his father present. My final words to him were:
“When you think you are old enough for marriage and you want to court my daughter, please prove your a man and respectfully approach me first”
Joey agreed and that was the last we saw of him. I am happy to say that Marisa found her Knight in Shining Armor and has been happily married to Daren for over 18 years now. Yes, he asked me first.
When my daughter Ashley came of age I was approached by a young man who asked me if he could date my daughter. Apparently Ashley learned from her older sister and avoided the embarrassment her sister experienced. I replied to him:
“Are you sure? You know she’s crazy, takes after her mother.”
Gregg laughed softly and acknowledged his awareness of her “issues”.
“Are you sure?” I repeated, “I’m not kidding, if she misses her medication your gonna have to hide all the sharp objects.”
The boy didn’t listen to me and six months later he again approached me and asked for her hand in marriage.
“Are you sure?” I again asked, “You are aware that she only has one operation left to make her a real woman.”
Gregg thought I was kidding and again requested her hand.
“Ok,” I said, “Please know that we have a strict no return policy.”
They have been married 11 years now. He only tried to return her once and it didn’t work.
Yes, we are old fashioned. We feel that the standards we stuck to really helped our kids develop into almost normal people.
As a service to all fathers out there I have made up the following document:
APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
1.) Full name:____________________________________ (This means what do people call you?)
2.) Address:_____________________________________( This means where do you live?)
3.) Name and address of closest living relative:_________________ ( Just in case you mess around with my daughter then the police will know who the next of kin are. )
4.) Contact information :_____________________________ ____________________________________________ ( Please include all phone numbers, social media sites with sign on names and passwords so your pages can be reviewed for inappropriate pictures – videos – music, your email address, driving record and criminal record –Note: If you have a criminal record please put down the application and leave the premises immediately!)
5.) Place of employment:______________________________ (Please attach 5 years of employment records)
6.) Annual income:_________________________________ (Please attach 5 years of income tax records)
GENERALINFORMATION: (please circle all applicable items)
Sex: Male Female Not sure Haven’t Checked Checked but not sure (Note: if you handwrite “yes” in this section please put down this application and leave the premises immediately!)
Type of Transportation:
1.) Car 2.) Pickup Truck without a lift kit
3.) Pickup Truck with a lift kit (indicating compensation for something)
4.) Van without a bed in it 5.) Van with a bed in it (If circled put down the application and leave the premises immediately!)
6.) Bicycle 7.) Skateboard
8.) Don’t know what transportation means
GENERAL QUESTIONS:
1.) Are you missing any body parts? ____
2.) Do you have any additional body parts? _____
3.) Do you have any additional holes in your body that you were not born with? _____ (If yes, please attach a doctor’s note as to why they are there)
4.) Do you have any tattoos? ____ (If yes, were you intoxicated at the time?)
ESSAY QUESTIONS:
(Please note: All spelling, grammar counts.)
(No crayons or hand drawn pictures)
1.) In fifty words or less, please describe what “Don’t touch my daughter!” means to you:
2.) In fifty words or less, please describe what “abstinence” means to you:
3.) Please list the top three body parts you do not want removed:
(No slang please, I.E. “junk” is not a body part.)
1.)
2.)
3.)
Please allow 7 years to process your application. While you wait for the processing please note that ANY contact with my daughter will void your application and trigger a visit from my East Coast Family, Bubba, Fat Frank, Little Frank and Uncle Corleone’.
For expedited handling please attach $500 cash to this application (no small bills please, no refunds)
Disclaimer: I am not afraid of going back to prison.