This is Getting Old

I am growing hair on my ears. The barber asked me if I wanted them “Trimmed”. While he was mowing my ears I had time to contemplate the amazing joys of aging for a male. It is actually quite frightening.

1.) You grow hair EVERYWHERE! Not only on your ears but IN your ears. I remember an old guy I once knew that had a miniature forest of black hair sticking out of his ears. It is a good thing that he never went camping or he might have picked up a few small forest creatures nesting in there. You also sprout 3′ long eyebrow hairs overnight. Nothing like looking in the mirror while shaving only to see a mutated antenna poking the glass from above you eyes. Travel a little south and you discover that your nose has sprouted long “feelers” to keep you from bumping into anything. Your butt cheeks now have developed a five day growth so that the toilet seat is not so cold.

2.) You notice a mole that wasn’t even there last week now has developed a whole sub division on your torso. You can’t walk around with out a shirt anymore without people exclaiming:

“Holy Moley!”

or talking about:

“Guacamole”.

Of course, you haven’t taken your shirt off in public for years because those manly “pecs” you used to sport have turned into deflated hacky sacks. I have grown one mole on the side of my belly that resembles a coco puff. I am now attacked by hungry coral fish anytime I go snorkeling.

3.) Gravity is affecting several places on your body you would have never expected to be affected. Your earlobes start to sag so much that if you stuck your head out of the window of a moving car you almost get airborne. Your nose has dropped down so that it is hazardous to sneeze. I have seen some guys with more chins than a Chinese phone book. Not only is gravity affecting your body but your clothing is affected also. Now when you reach up to get something from the top shelf at the supermarket your pants hit the floor because your butt fell off a few years ago.

4.) Your toenails now require a metal worker to trim them. I was sitting in my easy chair bare footed the other day and my 5 year old grandson walked by and complimented me by saying:

“I like your yellow toe nails Poppy!”

That kid is now out of my will.

5.) Your hearing starts to effect your communication with others. For instance,

“Particularly nice weather” turns into:

“Tickle your cat with a feather?”.

That reminds me of the three old guys sitting on the front porch of the care home. First one says:

“I think it’s windy today.”

The second one replies: “No, I think it’s Thursday”

The third one comments: “Thirsty? Yea I’d like a beer”

6.) Your vision starts to act up. What you think is a tube of toothpaste turns out to be a tube of hemorrhoid crème. You put on different colored shoes and don’t notice it. You try to milk the cow and have to apologize to Fernando the bull. You think your having a conversation with the bank teller when your really just talking to yourself in the mirror. When you dry your face with the cat.

7.) You start forgetting things like………………

8.) Your wife runs off with your teeth to keep you on the diet. You can go to the dentist without leaving your home, you just mail them in. I was once doing some public speaking when I observed an old man in the audience do a wide yawn and his teeth fell into his lap. Here’s a good suggestion – don’t ever visit your grandmother in the hospital and take a drink from her water cup only to find her teeth floating in there.

9.) The normal removal of bodily waste now becomes the highlight of your day. Which reminds me of another story:

Three old guys again on the front porch of the care home. First one says:

“The thing I miss the most is having a good pee”

The second one says:

“What I miss most is having a good BM”

The third one says:

“I don’t know what is wrong with you fellows. Every morning at 7am I have a fantastic pee. At 8am I have an amazing BM. The only problem is I don’t wake up until 9”

Which leads us to #10.

10.) The warning you get when you “got to go” resembles the count down to New Years in Times Square. I was working on a large commercial building site in Upstate New Your in the winter of 2014 – 2015. It was brutally cold and I was wearing four pairs pants to keep warm. I had decided I would stop in at the mobile rest room that was provided before going into dinner. The bathroom was a trailer made into a portable restroom with heat, electricity, sinks and flush toilets.  There were three urinals on the wall and I decided to use the middle one as no one was in the restroom at the time. Man code requires that you make it uncomfortable for any other man to stand next to you while draining. (Small note to those of the female persuasion, man code dictates no talking, looking, or contact occurs between the depositors until after the transaction is completed and the all hands have been washed.) As I was attempting to locate the device that provides drainage from my bladder I was running into difficulty finding it. I started thinking to myself :

“Was it left, right, right, left or was it right, left, left, right?”

Now the unwelcome count down clock kicks in.

10,9,8

“Where are you hiding? Come on, it’s not THAT cold!”

7,6

“Ha! Got you now!”

5,4

“Thought you could hide from me, huh?”

3,2,1

“Victory is mine!”

After triumphantly overcoming the amazing feat of not wetting myself I realized that there are two fellow construction workers standing at the urinals on both sides of me. Their shoulders are shaking violently as they to hold in the laughter. It appears that  problem #11 is when you think you are talking to yourself in your head when you are actually just talking out loud to yourself.