Our family has always enjoyed camping. Now that we are older it is better termed “Glamping” as we use an RV with a generator. Old bones do not mix well with the earth. I think that is because we are subconsciously aware that we are closer to that infamous “dirt nap”.
When we were younger we never hesitated to pack up the rabble and head back to nature. Nothing like spending hundreds of dollars and causing unneeded stress so we can live like people 300 years ago. Back then, that’s all they had – today it is either your homeless or your somewhat insane.
”Back to Nature”! That term sounds nice, even politically correct as it seems a majority of mankind likes to view nature as a type of God to be worshipped. Well, if that is your God, He/She is really dirty and bug infested.
Today I am sitting in our RV at Mackerricher State Park in Northern California listening to Handel’s Messiah – Hallelujah Chorus, munching on corn nuts and drinking fine whiskey while watching the neighboring campers sit outside their tent (which BTW is on the ground!) trying to enjoy themselves as they become one with Nature. Right now the father is yelling at the child because her little dog just pee’d on his shirt. Fortunately he was not wearing it at the time. I wish them well and hope the very pregnant lady does not “pop” while they are here.
I am blissfully alone as the rest of the family and friends have gone to “Snort Beach” to sit in the sand and stare at the ocean and admire “Snort” the young elephant seal that has been hanging out at that beach for the last couple of years. He is probably 11’ long and 2000 lbs of mostly irritated blubber. His breathing sounds like severe flatulance from a morbidly obese local hippie that has recently feasted of local herbs and fungi.
Why am I not there, you may ask? Well, instead of sitting on the sand, which is glorified dirt that manages to get into every crevice you don’t want to imagine you have while listening to a flatulant one ton sea mammal with a nose that resembles a Gentile’s junk, I am dry, clean and internally well lubricated while I happily watch the ‘back to nature” neighbors fight.
The global revenue from the camping industry is projected to be five billion dollars by 2019. It is amazing how much money people spend to get covered in dirt and become a tasty snack for the insect world not to mention the real big critters if you are into wilderness camping. I remember the sad report of the “Bear Guy” who was documenting the lives of several Grizzly bears. All they found of him was the remains of the Grizzly Bear Buffet. The last pictures on his camera was that of a large Grizzly bear running over to invite him to dinner.
The animal rights organizations of this world portray all animals as cute, cuddly and full of love. True, some are, but I guarantee there are other creatures who do not view humans as cute and cuddly – more like tasty and crunchy.
While I whole heartedly support the protection of all animals from outright abuse I would also like to point out that without animals to eat we would resemble those of our species who do not consume any living thing. Next time you see one of their brochures look real close a the people. They sort of look really hungry with a close resemblance to an Auschwitz reject. Not a real healthy look if you ask me.
Note to all Animal Rights Advocates – no rude comments please, I am a card carrying member of PETA (people eating tasty animals). I recently received a verbal tongue lashing from a reader that took offense from the sad demise of some of the many pets we have had over the years. I apologized to her in a return email and reminded her that all animals do die – eventually. Unfortunately I have not heard back from her. I am assuming that she was involved with a single car accident as she swerved to miss a duck on the road and came into contact with an umovable force a nature called a tree.
Note to all Vegans, Pescatarians, Baptists etc. – thank you for your sacrifice. I wish you well and appreciate the larger selection of meat products at my local grocery store.
Now that I have pretty much offended most of the population of the State of California (aka: the land of fruits and nuts) I will continue with my story.
As the date for our adventure back to Nature came close Angie told me she wanted to be ready to go early in the day we planned to leave. I agreed with her and told her I would have all the gear ready to load the day before. The great day arrived and by 10 am I had everything ready to go on my part. I asked Angie how she was doing and she indicated she would be ready soon. At 11am I asked again and she told me she just had the clothes and food to load in the trailer. I asked her if she needed any help and she said no. At noon I again inquired as to her progress and was informed that she just needed to load the clothes. At 1pm I found her scrubbing the kitchen floor and when I inquired as to her level of readiness I was told to leave her alone. Apparently she wanted to leave a clean house in case we met our demise at the hand of “nature”.
At 2pm I was informed that I just needed to get my clothes together. I asked if hers was on board and was met with the dreaded “**#%*#^” look. At 3pm I recommended that we just relax and leave the next day early as we would now be arriving after dark and as this was our first adventure with this perticular Rv it would be easier to set up in the daylight. This bit of information went over like a plugged up toilet in the Diarrhea ward.
I checked online and found a motel with a vacancy about 1 1/2 hrs away from our destination. I called the motel and inquired if they had parking for a truck with a 25’ RV trailer. They responded in the positive and we arrived just before dark and found a sign a the front of the property that said “No vehicles over 20’”. When I called the desk they said to ignore the sign and they would fit me in next to the building.
The next day we arrived to the campground at 9:30 am and in short order had everything set up and in good running order. I happily thought to myself that this time there would be no drama on this trip. I also think that Grizzly bears like to cuddle – that is why I avoid them at all costs.
At 2 am Last night, I woke up to turn my pillow. You know the saying that goes “That is as cool as the back side of a pillow”. I flipped the pillow only to feel a hard edge as I placed my head on it. I reached inside of it and found a spatula. That would confuse most people but I have been married to Angie for a long time. I just turned over and went back to sleep. This morning I told her of my discovery and she told me that she always carries extra stuff out to the camper in pillow cases. Good thing we weren’t packing for a razor blade convention.
At 8:30 this morning I was awakened by my phone with a call from #2 daughter, Ashely. She told me she was on the way and that the family car she had borrowed from us for the trip was making a funny noise. I asked if any error lights were on and she replied no. I told her to keep an eye on it and let me know if any lights came on and to stop driving if they do. Five minutes later the phone rang again and the conversation went as follows:
”Hello?”
”It stopped running!” This is accompanied with sobbing and I could see her going square mouthed in my mind. This has been Ashley’s cry face since she was a little girl.
”Are you blocking the road or are you pulled over? I asked.
”I am in the road!”
”Are there any cars backed up behind you?”
”No! I’m on a turn out area!”
”I thought you said you were on the road?”
”I am!! I am on the road but in a turn out!” Sobbing now.
”Ok, where exactly are you?”
”I don’t know, I’m somewhere in the country!”
I was glad to know she was ok and resisted asking her which country she was in. I told her:
”Don’t worry, we are coming to get you”
My son, Benjamin was also on this trip and volunteered to go rescue his sister. Turns out that the engine suddenly blew out something on the bottom of the engine and lost all it’s oil. Ashely was rescued, the car was towed back to our home thanks to Ben’s AAA card and Ashely arrived at the campground to the hugs and love of her large family. When I saw her she had a small empty bottle of Whiskey in her hand. Medicinal purposes I am sure.
This just goes to prove that getting back to “nature” is, in reality, an evil plot of the guys who fly the black hawk helicopters and listen into all our private phone calls.