When you throw a ball in the air it will always fall back to earth because of an invisible force known as gravity.
All life on earth benefits from this force. It is what keeps us all here in the first place, otherwise we would simply fly off into space.
Angie is not a fan of gravity. It seems to plague her constantly. Without that force in her life we would own a lot more glasses and dishes. We lose at least one a week to her. Two nights ago it was a gallon jug of Frank’s Hot Sauce and a pan of melted butter. It made a delicious mess on the kitchen floor.
It is not just her fumble fingered tendencies that bother her. On several occasions Angie’s clothes have literally fallen off with out proper advance notice.
One time she was standing next to me and our daughter Ashley while we were singing a song during one of our meetings for worship. I was the first to notice followed by Ashley that her slip was around her ankles. Ashley nudged her mother to look down. Angie simply stepped out of them and stuffed them into Ashley’s purse.
Angie’s thinking goes like this, if it is out of sight, it didn’t happen. When we have company come by on short notice all the debris of Angie’s life gets transferred to our bedroom and onto the bed so that no one can see it. Therefore she is safe from people assuming that she is a messy, unorganized individual. Which she is really not, but it sure looks like it as I haven’t seen my bed for several months. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen the cat lately either. I take that back, I think I saw a little paw sticking out.
It is really material made with elastic that is the problem. Angie seems to have some sort of Kryptonite like power over the material. It tends to disintegrate when in contact with her body. Many are the tales of skirts, slips, underwear and assorted coverings falling off at the most inappropriate time (as if there ever is an appropriate time).
Come to think of it, any type of clothing has problems with her. I didn’t know that the underwire in a bra can turn itself into a little flag pole sticking out of her blouse on its own but it did. The odd thing was that Angie was fine with it and continued on full steam ahead!
My clothes also have issue with her. One day she was wearing a pair of my flannel pajama bottoms while a guy from the carpet cleaning company was cleaning an area rug in the living room. This young man happened to be one of the kids our family grew up with so after the job was done he and Angie were chatting as she filled out the payment check. For some reason, Angie chose to animate her conversation by gesturing with her leg. She would point it one way and then another as she told him the history of every knick-knack, picture or any inappropriately shaped vase in the living room. (She is somehow attracted by anything phallic or testicular shaped. Not that that is what she sees in the item, but it is what is most obvious about it once in place. To everyone else, that is, but not her. One day she bought a decorative silver plate at the Goodwill that had a “flower” on it according to her. Unfortunately when looked at by anyone else it appeared as something my youngest daughter refers to as a “Vee-Jay-Jay”) Sorry, back to the story.
After the young man left, she happened to walk by the full length mirror and noticed that the crotch of my pajama bottoms had a full blow out. She was wondering what that “pop” noise was when she had bent down to adjust the position of one of her many treasures in the home. Now most people would handle that possibly embarrassing moment by just hoping for the best and carrying on with the day. Angie is not like most people. She immediately called the carpet cleaning company and informed the owner that she possibly flashed their employee and that she was sorry about that. Then she proceeds to call her daughters to share the story. Finally she called me to relate the tragedy. I told her not to worry about it. Worst case scenario was that he saw her underwear. She then pointed out that he would have, had she put them on.
Our oldest daughter, Marisa, had a recent encounter with her mother’s clothing issues. She had stopped by the home while I was out and found her mother sitting in the dark in the corner of the living room with both hands covered with sauce from an over stuffed burrito while one of her breasts was making an escape attempt from her house dress that was, of course, trying to fall off her. When Marisa asked her what was going on her reply was:
“Never order a double stuffed burrito from Jimboy’s”
Marisa just shook her head and headed over to get her mother a napkin while trying to purge the sight of the escaping appendage that was burned into her retinas.
Angie has another delightful habit. It seems that 50% of the time Angie visits the ladies room she manages to get her skirt/dress tucked into her pantyhose/underwear (providing she remembers them). This happens at public places like restaurants, airports, and the like but unfortunately it is most often happening at our place of worship. Fortunately most of the congregation are quite familiar with the ways of Angie and most of the time the problems are fixed before exiting the bathroom. On one occasion she did managed to make it clear out to the front entrance where she proceeded to lean against the walkway hand rail with her posterior pointing towards to crowded parking lot. The view the incoming members got was the top rear of her panty hose that appeared to have just been ravaged by an irritated bobcat. I received several winks and smiles when they saw me and I had to repeatedly assure them I was not the infamous “Random Rump Ripper”.