Children are like little drunks.

My oldest daughter, Marisa, was on a girls trip with her friends to Lake Tahoe where they shared a rental home for 5 days. One of her friends was bringing her 5 year old daughter, Jasmine, with her so Marisa thought it would be nice to take her 5 year old nephew, Henry, with her. This is one of the supposedly wise children of mine that has remained childless by choice. Apparently she let sentiment get in the way and cloud her judgement. It was not long until reality hit her in the face, sort of.

The following is a literal transcript from a group text my daughter Marisa sent out after the first night.

“Last night, when I got ready for bed, I was coming into our room after washing my face and the following conversation took place:

Henry: “Your face looks different.”

Me: “I washed my makeup off.”

Henry: “You look like a tired zombie.”

This morning after kicking me all night and getting me up at 6:30am….

Me: “Morning bubby.”

Henry: “Can you put your makeup on now?””

Another text followed several days later.

“The difference between boys and girls. Jasmine is quietly making a sandcastle. Henry is throwing wet sand on his crotch.”

Marisa’s sister Ashley replied:

“At least he isn’t throwing it at her crotch”

Marisa replied:

“That comes in 13 years.””

 

This proves 2 points:

1.) My children have inherited their father’s inappropriate wit.

2.) Children are like little drunks. They are very blunt and very honest. They say what they see.

Angie and I witnessed that in the 30 years, 2 months and 27 days that we spent raising our rabble.

 

When Marisa was 2 years old we were living in Idaho. One day I heard her call out from her mommy and daddy’s bedroom:

“Daddy! I found a yellow yucky!”

I went in to see her great discovery and to my horror saw my little one holding up a used latex birth control device. We are grateful that this child did not have a balloon obsession.

 

My nephew was 5 years old when I walked past him and saw he was hanging onto “himself” very tightly. I asked him if he needed to go to the potty and he said:

“No”.

“Then why are you grabbing yourself so tight?” I asked.

“It feels good” he replied.

I quickly informed his father that his son is in need of “the talk.”

 

My first son, Benjamin, was with us at our place of worship when he approached a very well endowed lady and informed her that she had “big boobs”. Benjamin was also the one who got into a van full of his mothers friends and exclaimed “Ewe! Who farted?” It was only after years of counseling and therapy that we felt comfortable in bringing him out in public again.

 

Our youngest daughter, Ashley, is more of a inappropriate visual type than the inappropriate talking type. Again, we were at our place of worship when Ashly had a small “accident” on the way there. Angie merely removed the soiled underwear and told her to keep her dress down. Wrong thing to tell a very animated child. The moment she got into the building she saw an older woman she liked and shouted:

“Sandy! I don’t have any panties on!” while raising her dress up over her head.

This is the same child that developed the unpopular habit of sneaking up behind people and pinching them on the inner thighs. She did that to an Elder in our congregation while he was bent over getting a drink from the water fountain. He almost put his head through the wall behind the fountain. Our family was banned to the back of the auditorium for several years. Ashley is now 30 years old and still in therapy.

Our youngest son, Tristan, was always quiet. I do not recall any inappropriate utterances as the boy just did not talk much. Those are the scary ones. We voted him as the one who would earn great fame in a clock tower with a sniper rifle. (Just kidding Tris, please don’t advance me up on your “hit list”.) Last time I checked I was at #6. I am comfortable in that position as I have great confidence the police will find him before he gets to me.

Our grandchildren have continued the family trait of inappropriateness as can be seen by the first story involving Henry. Not to be left out, his older brother, Hayden, has uttered a few choice observations of his own. There was the time his grandmother was changing in front of him when he was 2 years old and let out a loud “Yuck!” when she got down to her underwear. Then there was the time that he was running around without his shirt off and noticed those two dark circle on his chest. He ran up to his auntie and asked what they were. She informed him that they were called his nipples and that everyone had them. “Can I see yours?” he asked. After a long pause, the subject was quickly changed.

 

At a group Bible study the subject of the day was the Resurrection. The conductor asked the question:

“What does the word resurrection mean?”

A young boy raised his hand and said:

“I’m not sure but I heard on TV that if you have one for more than 4 hours you have to go to the doctor.”

 

I think we can finish this discussion with a classic comment our then 5 year old Benjamin said while we were visiting the Sacramento zoo. We were watching the elephants when one of the beasts lifted his tail straight up and the rear end of the thing started pooching out until a large deposit of digested elephant food landed on the ground with a large “plop”. Benjamin observed this event with rapt attention and then exclaimed loudly to everyone present:

“Dad! That elephant’s bottom fell off!”