Let’s Go Shopping!

A new phenomenon in our society is the “bucket list”. These lists usually identify things people want to do before they die. This activity sounds rather defeatist  to me as with each check off on your list wouldn’t you bring yourself that much closer to assuming room temperature?

I have looked at several of these lists online and noted  they do have some rather interesting goals. Some are very “happy, touchy, feely” goals such as:

1.) Be Kind to a Total Stranger. While this is always recommended there is a need for caution. Note the “Total Stranger” part and remember that Ted Bundy, Jeffery Dahmer, Charles Manson, Richard Simmons and Osama Bin Laden were all once total strangers.

2.) Start a New Career. While this may be an exciting challenge, many have unwittingly done so when they fell asleep or got drunk on the job,  made inappropriate comments to anyone who is not also asleep or drunk on the job, sent unsolicited or even solicited pictures of one’s “nether regions” whether the recipients were either asleep or drunk on the job or not.  (Here we must exclude politicians and actors/directors as then we would have no entertainment or government.)

Then there are the more adventurous goals:

1.) Hug a shark. This activity often results in almost bleeding out and experiencing life on a small cart with one limb to your name.

2.) Climb a mountain. To be followed by falling off a mountain and saving the time and money it would require to do any of the other insane items on your bucket list.

I have a suggestion for those that feel they need to do at least one adventurous thing in their lifetime:

Go shopping with Angie.

 

At one of her many grocery shopping adventures Angie was in the produce section of the local grocery store wandering around looking for something she forgot to remember to write down on her grocery list that she forgot to take with her. When she found this item she put it in the  cart and proceeded on in her quest. As she was leaving the produce section she noticed a man looking at her strangely. When she was heading down the next aisle she noticed the man was following her! This started her parallel universe that lives in her mind to trigger an alert. “Stranger Danger! Stranger Danger!” She made a series of sharp turns and the man was now getting closer! Finally she quickly went around another corner and waited. When the would be stalker/rapist rounded the corner she raised herself up to full momma bear size and shouted in his face:

“WHAT?!?”

The poor  man staggered back and meekly exclaimed:

“Ma’am, you, you took my cart.”

“Oh” was her reply and she simply turned around and walked off.

 

On another occasion Angie was planning a large family dinner. This required a trip to Costco for industrial sized packages of baking materials. As she started her trek the first thing she got was a 25 lb bag of sugar. She dropped the bag of sugar into her massive cart and continued on with determination and zeal. Yes, Angie was in baking mode. This is the family’s most favorite mode she gets into. The results are multitudinous amounts of fresh cookies, pies and other delights. As she finished up her shopping she headed to the checkout line. The little girl that was with her mom in the line in front of her looked at Angie and then at her cart and asked:

“What’s that white stuff all over the wheels of your cart?”

Angie glanced down and noticed white granules all over the rear wheels while a small mountain was forming under the cart.  Apparently, the now almost empty bag of sugar got punctured when she dropped it in the cart. This resulted in a neat line of sugar tracing throughout Costco that even a blind diabetic could track. Along with the line there were other small mountains indicating which food sampling stations Angie had paused at and for how long. There were several mountains at several of the stations indicating return visits. You see, Angie simply turns her coat inside out to disguise herself so the sample person does not think what they already know.  I am sure we all are guilty of occasionally taking ourselves out to lunch/dinner at the ever popular “Costco Buffet”.

 

Angie at one time took our daughter Ashley with her to get items for the home and for our family company. She separated her items into three different purchases. The first set of items she paid for with $60 cash she had in her purse. The second set of items she paid for with a company check. The last set of items she paid for with her debit card. After she swiped her card in the reader it asked her if she wanted cash back. She pushed the appropriate button to get $60 cash back. The teller looked up at her and said:

“Didn’t you just pay with $60 cash for the first set of items?”

Angie replied in the affirmative.

“Then why did you request cash back on this last purchase?” asked the now confused teller.

“Because I need some cash.” was Angie’s simple reply.

The teller just stared at her for a long moment trying to wrap her brain around this new form of logic as Ashley slowly sneaked away so that no one would associate her with the womb from which she born. Meanwhile Angie is, as usual, blissfully unaware of the carnage that she usually leaves in her wonderful wake.